Most divorcing parents are very concerned about their children’s
reactions to their separation and divorce. They want to know, “Will my child
grow up to be healthy and happy?”
Sociologists and psychologists are just beginning to provide
reliable information about the effects of divorce on children. There are a number
of important factors. Research shows that the effects depend on the age of the
child at the time of divorce. It can also depend on the child’s gender and personality, the amount of conflict
between parents and the support provided by friends and family.
One
factor is clear though... the better you deal with your separation, the better
your children will be!
Children
's Age
We know little about the effects of divorce on children younger
than two or three years of age. Young children do not always suffer if a
divorce occurs. However, problems may occur if a close relationship or bond
between a parent and child is broken. Parents should agree on parenting and
childcare arrangements so the child does not grow up experiencing conflict
between his or her parents.
Infants
Infants may not understand conflict, but may react to changes in
parent’s energy level and mood. Infants may lose their appetite or have an
upset stomach and spit up more.
Preschool
children
Children from three to five years of age frequently believe they
have caused their parents’ divorce. For example, they might think that if they
had eaten their dinner or done their chores when told to do so, Daddy wouldn’t have
gone away. Preschoolers may fear being left alone or abandoned altogether. They
may show baby-like behavior, such as wanting their security blanket or old
toys, or they begin wetting the bed. They may deny that anything has changed,
or they may become uncooperative, depressed, or angry. Although they want the
security of being near an adult, they may act disobedient and aggressive.
School-aged
children
Some psychologists believe the adjustment to parental divorce is
more difficult for elementary school children than for younger or older
children. School-age children are old enough to understand that they are in
pain because of their parents’ separation. They are too young, however, to
understand or to control their reactions to this pain.
They may experience grief, embarrassment, resentment, divided
loyalty and intense anger. Their ability to become actively involved in play
and activities with other children may help them cope with their family life situation.
Children this age may hope parents will get back together.
Elementary aged children may feel rejected by the parent who left. They may
complain of headaches or stomach aches.
Adolescents
Teens also experience anger, fear, loneliness, depression and
guilt. Some feel pushed into adulthood if they must take responsibility for many
new chores or care of siblings. Teens may respond to parents’ low energy level
and high stress level by trying to take control over the family. Others feel a loss of parental support in handling
emerging sexual feelings. Teens also may doubt their own ability to get married
or to stay married.
Teens may understand the causes leading to their parents’
separation. Their ability to remember the conflict and stress of the divorce
may interfere with their ability to cope with the changes in their family. They
may also feel pressure to “choose” one of their parents over the other, or to
fault one parent over the other for the “cause” of the divorce.
Gender
effects
Researchers are now finding that boys raised by fathers and
girls raised by mothers may do better than children raised by the parent of the
opposite sex. School age boys living with their fathers or in joint living
arrangements seem to be less aggressive. They also have fewer emotional
problems than those boys who live with their mothers and have little or no
contact with their fathers. Girls raised with mothers tend to be more responsible
and mature than girls raised by their fathers.
However, the children’s adjustment following a divorce has more
to do with the quality of the parent-child relationship than with the gender
and age of the child.
Helping
children adjust to divorce
Although painful, discussing the separation and divorce with
your children will strengthen your relationship with them. It will also
maintain their trust in you. Sharing general information is appropriate when
talking with younger children. Adolescents will want more details. Be sure to
let them know what the future holds for them. They will want to know what their
relationship will be with both parents.
The most important factor for children’s well being seems to be
limiting the amount and intensity of conflict between parents. Minimizing the
conflict and hostility between parents following the divorce can contribute to
the child’s growth. Agreement between the parents on discipline and child
rearing, as well as love and approval from both parents, contributes to the
child’s sense of well being and self-worth.
Although joint living arrangements have many benefits, recent
research suggests there may be times when there are drawbacks to this
arrangement. Preschool children may think they are being punished when they are
moved from one household to another. They feel that they are sent away because
they are naughty.
Older children may dislike this type of arrangement if it
intrudes on their daily lives. Some parents in joint arrangements fight with
each other because they are in constant contact. Their children suffer as a result.
Successful joint parenting requires regular communication and cooperation that
may be difficult for parents who don’t get along. If there is a very high level
of conflict or violence between the parents, then a joint living arrangement
may not be in the best interest of children.
Day-to-day involvement of both parents in their children’s lives
is the clearest way of letting children know they are loved and valued. A
parent who lives in a different town or state can still keep in close touch
with his or her children. Letters, e-mails, phone calls, tape-recorded messages
and sharing paperwork and artwork done in school are ways parents and children
can keep in contact.
Children of all ages fantasize that their parents will get
together again. This may be particularly true when parents are successfully
co-parenting. Be clear with the children about the finality of the divorce, and
discourage their attempts to get you back together.
If possible, limit the number of disruptions children must
handle during separation and divorce. For example, try to keep the child in the
same school, childcare facility, home or neighborhood.
Talk to children about your concerns related to the divorce.
This will help them understand what is happening.
Develop positive ways to handle your stress. For example,
exercise, eat nutritious food, spend time with friends or take up a hobby. If
you feel you are under too much stress and may hurt your children, ask for help
immediately. Call a crisis hotline, or your former spouse, a friend or relative
and ask for help. Call an experienced therapist to help you go through your
changes.
Turn to relatives and friends for support. Don’t rely on your
children to meet your needs for companionship and affection. Take care of
yourself so you can take care of your children.
Be sure to let your children see the positive ways you use to
cope with stress. This helps them understand that they must also find positive
methods to handle their feelings. Suggest activities they might do to feel
better. Playing with friends, joining a club, taking up a hobby, or reading can
be helpful in reducing stress. Perhaps there are some activities, such as going
for walks, that you and your child can do together.
Practice a kind, but firm, style of discipline. Accept
children’s feelings of anger. Help them find acceptable ways of expressing this
anger without hurting themselves, other people, animals, or property. Provide
the nurturing and love that your children need, while setting firm limits on
aggressiveness and other inappropriate behavior.
Adult friends and family members can provide emotional warmth,
reassurance and comfort to your children. They can teach them new skills and
activities and act as role models. They can also let children know that they
are important and valued.
Counseling with social workers, psychologists, marriage and
family therapists, or psychiatrists can help some children. Many schools and
religious organizations also provide support group sessions. In these situations
children can explore their feelings and learn how other children from divorced
families cope.
It often takes two or more years for children to adjust to their
parents’ divorce. Through love, understanding and keeping in close contact with
your children, you will help them grow into well-adjusted and productive
adults.
Sources:
DeBord, K. (1997). Focus on kids: The effects of divorce on
children. North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service.
Hughes, R., & Scherer, J. Parenting on you own. University
of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Cooperative Extension.
Original fact sheet developed by Mary W. Temke, Extension Human
Development Specialist,
with help from UNH graduate student Rebecca Carman
Updated 5/06 by Emily Douglas, Extension Family Education &
Policy Specialist
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